Musings #1

Today is the last day of September can you believe!

It’s been quite a tough month and if I’m honest, I’ m a little bit glad it’s over! Awful to be wishing time away I know.

I’ve been feeling ever so slightly mad this month. And a lot sad. On the 10th it was Gumby’s birthday – the 3rd one since he died and he would have been 35. It was my birthday on the 20th and the whole time leading up to that and during that 10 days was really emotional for me.

We had this question we always asked each other: “Do you feel different?”. Not surprisingly, the answer was never yes! Not likely to be when it’s only really another day is it? I couldn’t help but focus this year on the fact that if he could have answered me he probably would have said yes. I hope so anyway; surely it feels different when you’re no longer in a human body??

For me though, the first birthday definitely felt different. The next 2 have since felt the same as that and if I’m honest, this year has felt  the worst. I’ve been uncomfortable, dissatisfied and deeply unhappy with how I feel about myself and my life. On the surface of course everything is great and I really am grateful for it. Deep down though, I have this restless feeling to do more and be more. I guess what I’m realising is that I’m not happy because I don’t feel like I’m living to my true potential. I keep butting up against the ” what is my purpose” question.

The last 3 birthdays have come and gone so incredibly quickly and I’m very conscious that in the next 3 years I’ll be 40. Surely I won’t still be feeling like this or god forbid even worse?

This is totally a choice I have to make now if I want my 40th birthday to feel ‘different’.  I am making the choice right now to make sure that my next 3 birthdays are truly happy birthdays. OK? Anybody reading this who feels the same then let’s commit to this right now. We got this.

Since I last wrote things have started improving. Being an orange rhino is definitely getting easier. I’m not shouting at the kids anywhere near as often as I was which feels amazing. I really believe that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have started getting up at 5am so I have time to come round and do some things that are important to me before other people start demanding me! I’m not a natural morning person by any stretch of the imagination so it’s pretty freaking hard to do every day. when I don’t do it though, I’m definitely more grumpy!

After doing loads of research and basically having the benefits of morning routines shoved down my throat for months. (Have you noticed how often people tell you that you should be getting up early to be a success at anything? Or I wonder it it’s just me because the universe was trying to say something? Mmm – food for thought). Anyway, my current routine includes drinking a glass water, 5 minutes or so reading (at the moment it’s the bible), some meditation (this one is really interesting), writing down 3 things to be grateful for and then doing some journaling and mindset work. Today I have decided to start including some writing.

One of my main aims with this blog is to help other people who are struggling to live after losing someone who they love.  I battle with finding the time to research the things I’d like to share so I end up writing nothing which is no good at all! I can write about my personal journey though and share what I discover along the way so that is what I’ll try to do in a much more informal way.

Hope that’s ok xx  The last thing in my morning routine is to spend some time cuddling the big one when she comes downstairs so that’s what’s happening next for me today!

Bye 🙂  xx