Anything that’s human is mentionable, & anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, & less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone. (Fred Rogers)
How is it that sometimes things can be so perfect on the outside and yet feel so fucked up inside? I think when people feel like this then it’s easy to believe that you’re the only one who feels this conflict. The only one who can possibly be so ungrateful and selfish.
Recently though, I have read and listened to 2 women share their story in such an honest, raw way that it made me feel that maybe it’s ok to be so conflicted. And that maybe, unfortunately, the only way to deal with it is to acknowledge and embrace it. When you constantly send a ‘representative’ out to deal with the world on your behalf, it just makes things more messed up.
This month it will be 3 years since Gumby was killed. I try to ignore it so much that this week I honestly thought for a moment that it was 4 years.
Only 3 years and already 3 years.
All those days of living with the fact that he’s gone and yet I haven’t properly lived with that knowledge. I’m sure that doesn’t make sense but the truth is that I just do everything I can to not think about it. I eat. And I work. I eat. I be a mom. I eat. I fight with my husband. I eat. I procrastinate the things I should be doing. I over commit. And I eat some more.
For people who don’t have a ‘problem’ with food, you might not get this at all. That’s ok. I hope you never have to know what it feels like. But for the sake of those of us who sometimes feel like food and the act of eating is more necessary to our survival than air is, please have some patience.
To those of you who know what I’m going on about: Hi. I see you and I understand xx I’ve recently found a program that looks like it might help me. With other people who feel this way too. It’s early days so I’ll let you know more as I get more comfortable with it.
Suffice to say for now, I’m committing to you all and to Jemmy’s memory that for the next 100 days I will not eat sugar or flour. No refined, white powder products at all. Instead of eating these things, I’m going to listen to what’s going on in my head and deal with it. The reason I’m sharing it here is because I do much better with things if I share them. Writing in here helps me get the stuff out of my head and process it better. And I’m going to need help and support!
For those of you who worry when I commit to things and make challenges for myself that I’m taking on something else – this one really will help! It’s something I have to do and I can’t do it quietly on my own 🙂 Thanks for your concern though xx
I’ve already managed 11 days of no sugar of flour however they were not all in a row so this is in fact a 111 day challenge! I can’t face starting back at zero but the next 100 will be straight through!
Take care of you,