Been a while since I’ve even looked at this blog never mind written anything. It’s fab though because people are still visiting every day and brilliantly, the post that gets the most views every day is the one about slugs! I love that! Stats are that there have been almost 79000 views on the blog since I started recording them. That’s pretty cool.
There’s been a lot that’s happened since I last checked in. There’s been a couple of developments however as yet there hasn’t been a trial. Can’t say much more yet but hopefully soon.
I kinda want to get a bit more real. It’s still fucking hard. Having to keep going day after day after day after day pretending that’s everything ok and hunky dory is knackering. It still hurts and feels raw and the feeling of constantly being on the verge of tears is so tiring. I’m struggling to be the mum I want to be. Friends tell me that I’m too hard on myself and that I’m doing great. For the most part, I know that’s true. My girls are happy, well and beautiful. But there’s a part of me that hates the fact that I so rarely feel fully relaxed and joyful with them. I lose my temper way more quickly than I’d like. And to be honest, sometimes the 2 hours between holiday club and bedtime feels like more than I can handle which makes me incredibly sad. I don’t say this for sympathy. I just want to admit to it openly because maybe you feel the same.
I was sharing my thoughts about this with a friend the other day and the advice she gave was just perfect. We were talking about how the pressure on mums to play with their kids and spend time with them is so intense. As is the pressure to have a career, be a MILF, domestic goddess etc. etc.! WTF?! No wonder sometimes we crack. Add to that the emotional rollercoaster of grief in whatever form it takes and it becomes clear that there are potentially a hell of a lot of mum’s feeling the same. However it can be really difficult to admit this to ourselves, never mind talk about it.
For now, for me, it’s about baby steps. My friend reminded me that it’s the quality of time spent rather than the quantity that counts. She suggested that even if the least I can do is be there to love on them before they go to sleep, that’s enough for this season of life. That really struck a chord with me. I realised that I even get stressed with that when my beautiful 5-year-old gets out of bed 3 – 5 times, wanting me to tuck her in again, have an extra cuddle, wipe her bum after a non existent wee and other fun (not) activities! But if I can be there for her with love, kindness and patience at that time, just those 10 extra minutes, it will make her heart happy and she’ll know I love her. And that makes me feel like a better mum.
So if you are struggling at the moment and feeling like the worst mum in the world, know that you are not alone! And if all you can manage right now is a few minutes before bed time to totally and completely love on your children, that’s a great place to start.
Love & hugs,