Yo, baby brother.
It’s been almost one year since you did that stupid brave thing and got yourself killed.
One year of tears, anger and terrible, terrible empty feeling. 365 days of missing you. Nothing new with missing you cos I did that all the time when you weren’t around but this time it’s with this crushing, painful lump of hurt that you have gone for good.
The finality of that thought is too surreal to be able to grasp. It’s not like I saw you all that much with us being on other sides of the world but at least I knew you were there. That it wouldn’t be long until I saw your goofy grin again. Heard your booming laugh. Smelt your stinky feet.
That it was just a matter of time before you’d be back to giggle with me about the bizarreness of life, enthral my babies with your craziness and help me make mom happy.
That, at the very least, I could just pick up the phone to hear you, even if you were slightly out of it from partying a bit too hard! I could always count on you to say the right thing and understand what I was feeling, sometimes even before I knew myself. That we could make each other laugh. That I would always be able to hear you say you love me.
Thing is baby brother, you didn’t pick up the phone. I tried to call you the night it happened. And the week before. I was really annoyed with you about something and I waited too long to call. And then you never answered. I was going to try again the next day. But it was too late. There wasn’t a next day.
I am so angry with you! I’m so angry you tried to fight and that you left me and mom. We were a team and you went and fucked it up! We need you and you messed up. Everybody knows you don’t fight but you did.
I know that’s petty and a bit silly to say but I feel better getting it out. I do know that you did it because of who you are and how much you love. That you would never in a million years be able to stay hidden and let things have happened. I know and I understand.
I don’t think I am quite ready to forgive you yet though. But I still love you so much and am proud of you for being true to you, all the way to the very end.
Miss you and love you more than I could ever say,